Rage-Anon Caring for Ourselves <Printable Version>

                                                       Please get help if you feel that you are in a dangerous situation with a rageaholic.  The        

                                                       following tools are meant for those in relationships with rageaholics that are not life-    

                                                       threatening.  If you feel you are in danger, call the National Domestic Violence/Abuse

                                                       Hotline at 1800-799-SAFE (7233) http://www.ndvh.org .

• Take Responsibility-      Someone else's rageful behavior  is not our responsibility, even if they blame us for     

                                                       triggering them.  Taking care of ourselves is our responsibility. 

• Feel your Feelings-        If someone is yelling at us,  demeaning us, threatening us, or touching us in an

                                                aggressive way, it doesn't feel good.  We need to honor those feelings and take

                                                action by using some new tools.  (See below.) 

• Know your Limits-         When we feel uncomfortable as a result of someone's rageful behavior, it is valuable to       

figure out what we will and won't put up with by knowing our own limits.  These are things we say to ourselves before expressing them to others.  For example, when a rageaholic yells, it  feels uncomfortable and is never OK.  We may want to nip it in the bud by defining what our limits are as soon as the rager begins to raise his/her voice.  A limit would be,  I will not allow anyone to raise their voice to me. Other examples would be I will not allow anyone to touch me in an inappropriate way or I will not allow verbal abuse in my home. See the list of rageaholic triggers for more ideas on where to identify limits for offending behavior.

• Set Boundaries-             Once we are clear on our own limits, we can express them to others by setting

boundaries.  In the above example, we can set a boundary by saying "Please lower your voice" as soon as the rageaholic speaks louder than a conversational level.   If someone touches us in a way that makes us uncomfortable, we can leave immediately.  If someone calls us demeaning names, we can move to another room.

• Consequences-              Boundaries require logical consequences to be effective.  The person we are setting them

with needs to know that we will follow through with logical consequence if our boundaries are not honored.  Here are some examples. "If you continue to raise your voice, I will walk away."   "If you touch me like that again, I will call the police."  "If you call me a ___ again, I will spend the night elsewhere."  Following through on the consequences to a rageaholic  ignoring our boundaries helps us to trust ourselves more and helps the rageaholic to clearly see the effects of their behavior*.  Many rageaholics will not seek formalized help until they know we actually will leave them if they don't.

*Newton Hightower, in his book Anger Busting 101 suggests the consequences be in the form of adding household chores (i.e. taking out the trash, cleaning the cat box, etc.) each time a rager blows up.  Hightower says, "You know you are on the right track when you look forward to him (or her) having a good temper tantrum, and he (she) is terrified of blowing up again." For more tips and information, visit his website at http://www.angerbusters.com

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